Tag: New User

The the thing to do is to employ the correct sequence of coded phrases.  Just like in a spy novel.  Memorize them.  Do not deviate from the sequence.  Here it is:

You -- "My name is Todd, and I can't stop eating cheese."

Him -- "Hello Todd. Have you admitted you are powerless to The Cheese, that your life has become unmanageable?"

You -- "Yes."

Him -- "Have you come to believe that Enlisted Swine are more powerful than you are, and can restore you to sanity?"

You -- "Yes."

Him -- "Have you made a decision to turn your will and life over to the support of Enlisted Swine, as you understand Enlisted Swine to be?"

You -- "Yes."

Him -- "Have you made a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself?"

You -- "Yes."

Him -- "Have you admitted to Enlisted Swine, to yourself, and to another human being the exact nature of your cheesedickery?"

You -- "Yes."

Him -- "Are you ready to have Enlisted Swine remove all these defects of character?"

You -- "Yes."

Him -- "Have you asked Enlisted Swine to remove your shortcomings?"

You -- "Yes."

Him -- "Have you made a list of all the enlisted men you've acted like a dildo around and become willing to make amends to them all?"

You -- "Yes."

Him -- "Have you made direct amends to enlisted men wherever possible, except when doing so would irritate them further?"

You -- "Yes."

Him -- "Have you continued to take personal inventory and when you were wrong promptly admitted it?"

You -- "Yes."

Him -- "Have you sought through prayer and meditation to improve your conscious contact with Enlisted Swine, as you understand Enlisted Swine to be, praying only for knowledge of their will for you and the power to carry that out?"

You -- "Yes."

Him -- "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, have you tried to carry this message to all your brother officers, and to practice these principles in all your affairs?"

You -- "Yes.

Be sure to use the proper signature block:

            Your Bitch,

            (Your Name) (Your Rank) (Your Branch)

Now go away.

----------

Sure you do, fucker.

-- If you're a female, a gay dude, or a gimp, turn to TEITL NEIN.

-- If you're in college, turn to VAGINALOGUE.

-- If you're a college graduate under 30, turn to WINNER.

-- If you're a Howard Zinn fan, turn to YOU'RE A SNOWFLAKE.

-- If you're a hippie who burned his draft card, turn to SPITTER.

-- If you're a hippie who got a deferment, turn to ORDINARY AVERAGE GUY.

-- If you're not a US citizen, turn to NATURALIZE.

----------

Sure you are.  We're all losers and you're all winners.   You especially. You're a winner because you work in an air-conditioned cube for a boss who values your contribution to the team.  You're a winner because your girlfriend has sex with you once a week if she's feeling good and slips her lubricated thumb into your anus if she's feeling bad.  You're a winner because you're a non-smoker and all your friends are non-smokers too.  You're a winner because you chose not to serve your country after high school and instead went to College. Where you learned that your country is guilty. That its economy was built on the backs of Eli Whitney and his African slaves.  It gave smallpox-infected-blankets to the Native Americans.  It stole the Panama Canal from the Panamanians.  It forced an attack on itself at Pearl Harbor by depriving the Japanese economy of rubber, oil, manganese and steel, and then -- because your country is also viciously racist -- it nuked Hiroshima instead of Hamburg and Nagasaki instead of Nuremburg.  It subverted democracy in Iran, Chile, and Honduras.  It murdered the East Timorese, the Vietnamese, and the Cambodians.  It cut down the world's rain forests, destroyed its ozone, and polluted its oceans.  Your country's thirst for oil de-stabilized the Middle East, its intelligence organs built up Al Quaeda in order to fight it, and its military-industrial complex sold weapons to Saddam Hussein in order to blow them up.  Oh yes:  Your country is a disgusting piece of shit. You know this because your professors made sure that you sniffed a good fragrant sniff.

At college.

Where you learned not to believe in anything but yourself and the evil of The Man.  Where you learned to be a cynic and that God is dead and everything is relative, and there is no right or wrong because value judgements are immoral. You chose college because your teachers, your counselors, your slacker friends and your parents all told you not to eat that crap sandwich offered by Uncle Sam and his Drill Sergeants.  They advised you to eat the hot dog instead. The hot dog of an open mind, the hot dog of questioning authority and truth to power and standing up to WalMart and corporate greed and The Establishment.

Or at least, it looked like a hot dog.

It sat about waist high on a paper plate.

But you're having second thoughts now. That's right. You're wondering: What if that hot dog was really just Noam Chomsky's Viagra-thickened penis, all slathered up in mayonnaise and mustard and relish and wrapped inside a gluten-free bun?

-- If you understand why you're an asshole but still want to create an account, click here.

-- If you still don't understand why you're an asshole, create an account here.

----------

I bet you did, stud.  

And it felt good, so warm, those teats rubbing up against your chest and your hands roaming down to that ass; her natural pheromones working overtime, powering past the deodorant crystals and the patchouli and the body butter to inspire a chubby.  Here's another question for you, stallion:  Did you mount up?

-- If yes: You just might be accepted into our pen one day. Consider spending a few years doing research.

-- If No:  Read on.

Didn't think so.  She had you pegged for a neuter is what happened, and then she got all freaked out after discovering the stealth-cock. And then she got angry:  How dare you infiltrate snug harbor in mangina mode? It's cool though. Because we've been there and learned it all the hard way.  While hippie chicks may wade out in the still waters and don't wear fishnets, that doesn't mean they're defenseless.  All women are born with a passive gaydar. Welcome to the counterkulturkampf, souljah.

-- If you hate your Daddy because he's always trying to tell you what to do, create an account here.

-- If you hate your Daddy's ponytail, create an account here.

----------

But not you eh, Spitter?

No way were you spending time as the new fish in some minimum-security koi pond.  Not the clever little piggy.  Not by the ball-hairs slapping up against your chinny-chin-chin.  Truth is, you spat on those soldiers because it was easier than spitting on yourself.  What do the psychoanalysts call that -- Transference?  Projection?  Cognitive dissonance?  

Because we call it being a fucking traitor. Spitter.

Did you know that some of those soldiers had been knee-deep in the rice-paddy-shit less than 72 hours before?  That they were told by their First Sergeants to swallow their pride and to not fight back?  That those swallowers were ordered not to dishonor their uniforms by beating you on TV?

Yeah, you probably did.  

Uncle Sam handed Joe a shit sandwich, sure, even we'll agree with that.  But it was the hey-spike-yeah-spikes like you who really did the job on him.  You're the one who forced him to take that second bite.  You're the ones who massaged his throat until he choked it all down.

-- If you want to lift your ponytail out of the way and pat yourself on the back for what you did, go ahead. Do it, Spitter.

-- If you understand why you're an asshole, turn here.

----------

Ha.

Hey, hold on, where you going?  I'm sorry, old man.  Shit, I wasn't even alive back in the sixties.  I was just messing with you.  And how can a guy possibly know what he would've done in a situation like 'The Nam anyways, right?  Those were different times:  Woodstock.  Peace and love.  Hell's Angels.  Altamont.  Charles Manson.  Don't we all remember our first tab of acid?

----------

But don't take it personally.

It wasn't your fault, having been born outside of these United States.  That was an unfortunate decision that your grandparents made, and that your parents compounded without consulting you.  We consider you to be innocent of their sin.  But if they didn't have the stones to get over here and make things right, then that's no excuse for you to extend the vicious cycle, to perpetuate and endorse their weakness.

Do it now, foreigner.

We don't care how:  Stow away on a Liberian cargo ship.  Dog-paddle across the Rio Grande.  Find an American Sailor or Airman, and tell him you want to marry him and cook for him and give him backrubs for the rest of his life. Find a Marine and tell him his cock tastes like a candy cane.  Mule your way onto an Air Pakistan flight heroin-filled condoms in your stomach.  Because this is the best country in the world. It represents the expeditionary wing of Western Liberalism. Our institutions represent the last best hope for mankind and if you keep doing whatever the fuck it is that you're doing, you and your progeny will be left behind.  You will be on the outside, looking in. Let today be the first day of the rest of your life, with you as the best possible version of you:  A newer, better, enhanced you.  An American you.  

Naturalize, muthafuckah!

-- If deep down inside of you there is a tiny little American struggling to get out, click here.

-- If you think that France is a better country than the US, click here.

----------